Your “Car Czar” Guy Has Arrived!

The Car Czar is in ‘Da House!

I read in The Wall Street Journal this past Friday that the lack of a Car Czar is slowing the restructuring process for General Motors and Chrysler. Both companies have until February 17th to submit their plans to the federal government, but the lack of a person heading up this newly created position is hampering both company’s efforts.

Well, tell them that they have a Car Czar and that person is moi!

But, I have a few conditions that must be met before I take the job, requirements which will determine if I accept the position. If they aren’t met, then most certainly the U.S. auto industry is doomed. So, invest some money in me and I’ll come to the rescue.

My conditions are as follows:

• I will set policy as to the direction that the U.S. auto industry will go. Barack Obama will continue as president, but I am a czar. A czar is a dictator, but I plan on showing benevolence in my role. Still, what I say goes.

• I want his and her cars for my wife and I. I’ll take a Cadillac CTS-V while my wife will be happy with some sort of crossover to be determined later.

• Since this will be a six to eighteen month position, my fee will be $50,000 per month. I expect that all of our medical, dental and personal expenses will be covered.  You can put our family up in a Washington guest house; one chef, a maid and a butler will do.

• Upon arriving at work, I will immediately call upon General Motors and Chrysler to file for bankruptcy. No additional funds will be awarded to these companies until they have met this requirement.

• The federal government will guarantee payment of GM and Chrysler invoices due to all parts suppliers. Immediately, prior union agreements will be opened up and renegotiated. If labor action ensues, then both companies will be shut down until a settlement is reached. I will instruct Congress to withhold funding until they cry uncle.

• GM will shut down Saab and Hummer, abrogating all dealer agreements. Saturn will continue on as planned for one year to give it time to sort out its direction. If a suitable, workable plan isn’t reached by March 1, 2010, then it too shall be shut down.

• Cadillac and Chevrolet will continue as the bookend brands for GM with Buick reassigned as an intermediate brand. GMC will be dissolved with Buick-Pontiac-GMC dealers gaining access to Chevrolet trucks. Pontiac will continue as a scaled back brand producing the G8 and the Solstice only. Because I want a G8 truck in the worst way, GM will change strategy and roll out the Pontiac El Camino.

• Chrysler will be required to finalize its agreement with Fiat or begin dissolution proceedings. If an agreement cannot be worked out, then Chrysler assets will be sold allowing other automakers to purchase select models. In any case Jeep shall remain intact and will be offered to Ford or General Motors first before being made available to other parties. If no buyer is found for Jeep, then the brand will become the ward of the state.

• For the sake of world trade, none of the actions impacting GM or Chrysler will directly address their respective foreign operations. Federal funds will not be used to cover overseas operations. Peace, love and harmony with the nations shall prevail. At least for now.

• The Ford Motor Company will be required to show proof of viability or otherwise it will be forced to declare bankruptcy. No brands will be dissolved if Ford is unable to show itself to be a viable concern, but Volvo will be allowed to be sold off. The Car Czar recommends that Ford give Mercury some love by building one or two models unique to that tired brand.

Should the recovery prove to be more challenging than expected, the Car Czar will consolidate all three companies into one, raise tariffs on imported cars, flood foreign markets with cheap, American-built vehicles and call it a day and return to North Carolina, leaving the heavy lifting to some other lackey.

I never said it was going to be easy now, did I?